


Fishin' for Kissin'

by orphan_account



Category: Team Fortress 2
Genre: M/M, Mistletoe, Mistletoe Pranks, Tf2 secret Santa 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 12:42:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17121584
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: BLU Scout learns that RED Scout devised an interesting way of trying to get a kiss over at the RED base. Does he fall for it, too?TF2 Secret Santa 2018 gift.





	Fishin' for Kissin'

**Author's Note:**

> A gift for @snowtwilightartist on tumblr for TF2 Secret Santa 2018. :-) Hope you like this, Sooshie! 
> 
> Content Warning: brief canon-typical violence.

BLU Sniper said that he saw RED Scout with a fishing rod in spawn rigging up something weird, but BLU Scout wasn’t allowed to look in the scope and see it for himself. It didn’t matter that he’d begged, pleaded, and kicked Sniper’s jars down the stairs (“you think that’s the first time?”), and he ignored all questions about why he was so up in arms about this. Later, when Scout asked about it again, Sniper chuckled and admitted that it looked like mistletoe. 

There were a few unwritten rules about the way that the cloning process worked. Respawn did some things to one’s sense of self that were drastically affected by how long it took to catch one’s breath as the world spun by and respawn glued all their molecules back together. Sometimes, a particularly dramatic or embarrassing death taught you a thing or two, and it would change you. Thus, as RED and BLU started out identical, over time they had separated into far off distant versions of each other, both fundamentally different from the lone person who they’d been created from. That guy was probably in a test tube somewhere. 

One of the things that the mercs tried not to do was ask too many questions about why their counterpart might do the things they did. BLU Spy had nothing to say about why RED Spy might be having an affair with BLU Scout’s mom: that wasn’t his lover. BLU Soldier knew nothing about their Demoman: that wasn’t his friend. BLU Scout, then, didn’t hear a peep from anyone else about how the RED Scout was explicitly and loudly interested in exclusively men. Some of them had speculations, but none of them said a damn thing. 

Mistletoe was something that made Scout blanche. There weren’t any girls for miles, and a fishing rod wouldn’t be able to go that far. The image of exactly what the RED Scout had made came readily with that revelation and Sniper went to pinch Scout’s cheek, only to get his hand shoved away. 

“That’s a fuckin’ dumb idea,” Scout said. 

“I dunno… maybe it worked. They scattered when one of ‘em noticed the dot on the wall. And y’gotta admit it’s creative.” 

Scout stomped off, kicking another jar over, but that one spilled on his foot. Even more annoyed, Scout ran off to his room to change his sock, but he took the long way so that he could run along the fence that separated their fort from the rest of the world. As he ran, he stopped when he saw a huge mass of green in an otherwise white and dead tree. It had been ripped and pulled at by something, Scout thought maybe an animal, but when he got closer Scout realized that it was mistletoe and that he knew exactly what had happened to it. Face flushed from the cold, Scout looked back at his team’s fort and realized that this was very far away from where RED was. 

“Lotta effort,” Scout mumbled as he picked up the pace again. Back in his room, he changed his socks into something warmer and then flopped onto the bed. 

The BLU Scout had seen RED fishing before. RED had had his shoes off and feet dipped in the water, a bucket next to him full of something, and he wriggled fish food onto the hook before plopping it into the water. There wasn’t even a bobbin, and from where BLU had been peeking, BLU thought that the reel might be made up of sentry parts. RED like fishing enough to make his own rod. Then RED had sat and sang and fished while BLU watched. BLU had never been interested in fishing, it was so slow and dull. Just another difference between them. 

Then Scout tried to imagine the set up for a fishing rod, a long hand-made fishing rod, with a piece of mistletoe dangling from the end. Scout wriggled around on the bed as he tried to calculate how RED might’ve taped it to his body, but once Scout considered the length of the rod and where it would inevitably end up, Scout forced himself to stop all though. A lotta effort with a dumb fishing rod for no good reason. 

Unless Sniper was right. And it worked. 

Scout rolled over onto his bed and covered his head with a pillow and groaned into the sheets. The BLU Scout had feelings, too many, and not enough thoughts to justify them. Scout rolled over onto his back and stared up at the ceiling, hand inching toward his pants. He wasn’t hard or anything, but the thought of RED with a fishing rod down his pants was a sticky one, and Scout imagined seeing it and seeing RED without his pants on at all. Would their dicks be the same size? Scout cupped himself and stroked between his legs over his clothes, thoughts running away from him, before there was a knock on the door from Engineer. Dinner was nearly ready. 

Scout huffed and then went downstairs into the kitchen. Inside, Pyro was roasting something in the oven with their eyes glued to the door. It had to be close to done if Pyro was that excited, so Scout took a seat at the table with Engineer, who was smoking a cigar. Soldier was sitting with his back straight at his designated seat and Sniper, Spy, and Heavy slid into chairs at the table, too, apparently also having been beckoned by Engineer. Soon, Spy and Sniper joined Engineer in smoking and Scout waved the smoke out of his face. 

“Stuff freakin’ smells,” he whined. Soldier laughed openly and begged Engineer for a cigar, who told him no. 

“One day you might appreciate it,” Engie chuckled while Scout continued to make faces. The smell seemed like it was sticking to Scout’s clothes and if Scout touched himself later, he was gonna feel all weird and grimy. It didn’t help that he’d had piss on his foot. He’d need a shower after this. 

Pyro pulled a sizzling ham out of the oven to place on the table. Engineer cut it easily with his super powerful robot hand and Scout stole a few pieces using just his regular human hands, despite audible protests from others at the table, and then Scout ran off to go get clothes and get in the shower before anyone else joined in. 

The showers were dingy and dull and the only thing separating them were thin curtains that were cloudy but transparent. The curtains were so thin that it was impossible not to peek at anyone who showered nearby. Who wouldn’t? Scout poured shampoo on his hand as he imagined Engineer throwing back the shower curtain to tell Scout that his dick was huge and awesome and maybe they could masturbate together or something. By the time he was rubbing the shampoo into his hair, Scout’s dick had started to rise on its own. Scout opened his eyes and immediately got soap in them. He rubbed his eye on the shower curtain with one hand and reached down to start tugging at his dick. Scout’s thoughts didn’t stray far from someone walking in on him and saying his dick was huge, but his mind cycled through various people. Roberta, a girl he’d met one time in Badwater and kissed his neck; Heavy, whose voice was deep and full of admiration for Scout’s huge dick; Sally, a girl he’d had a date with back home last Smissmas who had almost given him a handjob under the table; Engineer again, who laughed and promised to use his human hand; and RED Scout, with an equally sized dick and a familiar grin. 

Scout let go and his face burned. Thinking about RED came a little too close to home. It seemed too possible to think about too hard. After all, RED was gay and within 100 miles of where he currently lived. Scout thought about something dumb like finding RED during humiliation and getting a boner. Glancing down, Scout realized that his erection wasn’t magically going away, and he might as well finish off, even if he had to keep thinking that last thought over and over. Thankfully, he finished quickly, and he could finish washing up and then leave. 

The next day of fighting was Smissmas Eve Eve, as Scout kept calling it to make Spy twitch with annoyance, and Scout was weirdly nervous. Sniper hadn’t said anything about what else RED was doing, or if he’d done anything else, but after a brief morning jog Scout noticed that the mistletoe bush or whatever was gone. Scout ran up and down the fence again to double-check, but it was definitely gone. 

“Who the fuck uses that much mistletoe?” Scout scoffed, coughing in the cold. 

When they actually began fighting, Scout tried to bundle up and thought about what weapons to use. In the cold, milk would be especially horrible, and if he could push anyone into the snow… Scout didn’t trust his hands not to shake too much to use his Sandman. Scout was a professional ball-hitter, but he knew his limitations of course. When the administrator told them to get going, Scout ran off. 

When he reached the center, RED Scout and RED Demo were already there. Narrowly avoiding a sticky trap, Scout threw his milk and heard them both shout. Scout eagerly killed the Demo, but when it was just him and RED on the point, he froze up, and realized what RED was wearing. It was a dumb hat like what mall elves wore when they shepherded kids around to see fake Santa, but attached to it was a huge sprig of mistletoe. 

RED openly laughed as BLU stuttered. 

“Y’wanna kiss me, loser?” he said, switching to his bat and running up to BLU. BLU didn’t duck out of the way in time and fumbled in his recovery, dropping his gun and having to grab his bat quickly. He wasn’t fast enough and RED hit him again until he was on the ground, dying. Over the shouts of an incoming Soldier and Medic combo, BLU couldn’t be sure which team’s, RED Scout crouched over him, flicked him in the head, and said maybe after, if he was good. 

“Gonna be cool if I fuck myself,” RED laughed and dealt the final blow. 

When BLU woke up in respawn, he didn’t want to leave. While he stood there, they lost the center point and Spy, who had recently been charred by a Pyro and had to get a new icicle knife, caught him just standing there. 

“Do you want us to lose? They’ve abandoned the midpoint. Come cap with me,” Spy urged quickly, but Scout, embarrassed, ran out of spawn and toward second. 

Scout slowed down when he was out of sight. He didn’t want to go to second. Somehow, everything about the last images of what had happened before he’d died last seemed amplified. He couldn’t get the thought out. Was RED being serious? At all? Did BLU want him to be? Scout heard the announcer say that they were down to the last point. Scout hopped over some crates and waited for humiliation. It didn’t take long and Scout sat with his head in his hands. Humiliation always lasted forever, it seemed. 

When Scout heard quick footsteps, he covered his mouth to hide his breath, but it didn’t matter. RED hopped on top of the crates and grinned down at him. 

“Didja know that my Spy likes to keep an eye on you? Must go with the whole fuckin’-your-mom territory. But he caught you running around looking for mistletoe. Y’trying to steal my idea?” 

“No!” BLU protested, annoyed. “It’s a fuckin’ dumb idea. It hasn’t even worked yet.” 

“Who says it won’t work? Give it time! I got a few people makin’ eyes at me over there, and once it’s done, I’ll have done more kissing than you have before Smissmas. Ain’t no girls ‘round here, are there? Look who’s missing out.” 

“Just fuckin’ kill me.” 

“This is humiliation,” RED laughed. “I’ll do what I want. And my Spy doesn’t need to tell me what I already know, which is that you’ve been following me for a while, and you seem to like what you see.” 

BLU started to stammer out that of course not, but RED pointed out the time he’d gone fishing and the time he’d gone out collecting rocks with RED Pyro and last humiliation where BLU had followed him and then just watched and done nothing. BLU had no response to that. 

“So, I’m gonna ask again… y’wanna kiss me, loser?” RED said with a huge grin. He leaned over the crate and wiggled his head to make his hat jingle. The grin only got bigger when BLU sat up straighter and crashed his mouth into RED’s. 

“You better get me a Smissmas present. Meet me by the mistletoe bush thing on Smissmas, ‘kay?” RED said, just before they respawned back to their own homes. 

BLU Scout had no idea what to do, but he especially didn’t know what to do when Spy grabbed him by the shirt. 

“Where were you after that humiliating defeat at mid?” Spy spat. 

“He was off fighting RED Scout. You see him around either?” Sniper said as he put his piss rifle back in the closet. 

Spy let go of Scout and walked off angrily. Scout looked over at Sniper, who didn’t say anything, but gave him a wink. Scout flushed and then ran up to his room. 

A present… A present? Scout had nothing. They were miles and miles away from any store, and anything that Scout could get from Mann Co., RED could, too. Scout threw himself in bed under the covers to try and warm up as he thought and thought, which was agonizing all on its own. Scout got up to look through his things to see if any of them were giftable, but there was nothing. An unfortunate idea arose and as the day dragged by, Scout couldn’t think of anything else. Finally, after not eating dinner, Scout ran off to Sniper’s van and knocked on the door. 

“Go away,” Sniper said from inside. 

“No! Lemme in, please?” 

Sniper unlocked the door and Scout came in, sitting down immediately at the nearest available seat. 

“After all I did for you today, you’re gonna interrupt me when it’s already dark out?” 

“It’s always dark,” Scout whined. “Thanks, though, for earlier. Spy’s been pissy with me.” 

“You’ve been doing badly. Why are you here?” 

“… I need help making something.” 

“Like a gift?” 

“Like a fishing rod.” 

Sniper laughed and agreed to help. 

BLU realized quickly that “meet me on Smissmas” was a huge time window and RED could mean any part of that. Did he mean in the morning? Night? Afternoon? Scout hoped it wasn’t some time where RED Spy would see him. This wasn’t something Scout wanted to think that his Ma and him might talk about after fucking. Scout didn’t want to think about any of that, actually, and tried to put it out of mind when he glanced out the window. A few other people on the team had given each other presents, but since Scout hadn’t given any of them anything, Scout only received the burnt cookie from Pyro and an expensive cigar from Engineer. Scout wondered if RED smoked and invented an entire conversation where he told RED off for ruining his lungs but RED laughed like he always did and then they would kiss or something. 

Unable to wait any longer, it was 11 AM when BLU ran off to the mistletoe bush to wait out in the cold. Luckily, it seemed as if RED hadn’t been able to wait that much longer, too, and he was wearing the mistletoe hat still.

“Nice present,” RED laughed as he got closer. He didn’t need to open it; BLU had thought for a minute about wrapping it before thinking about how stupid that was. RED had two little boxes, each wrapped with some twine. “It’s way better than my current one,” he admitted, “And now I have two, in case y’wanna actually fish with me one time.” BLU made a face and RED laughed. BLU felt his knees go a little weak. That laugh was really awesome. 

Taking the boxes, when BLU opened the first one, he didn’t know what it was at first, but as he pulled it out of the box he squawked. 

“Where the hell did you get this!?” BLU asked, holding one of the skimpy outfits from a girly mag as if it burned his hands. His face went a deep red and felt so hot that he could almost see steam. RED laughed and said that he’d had it for a while, but had no one to wear it for, and since BLU was obviously the same size… 

“That one’s mostly a joke, although if y’do wear it, I might cream my pants,” RED said, “but open the second one, okay? That’s the real one.” BLU was hesitant given the previous gift, but RED insisted and finally BLU opened it. 

Inside the box was another mistletoe hat, just like the one that RED was currently wearing. 

“Put it on,” RED said, and when BLU did, RED laughed again and asked if it was gonna work again. BLU didn’t say anything: he just leaned forward and kissed him, their mistletoe tangling together already.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Kudos and comments appreciated!


End file.
